Poetry and Such

The Paradox of Breathing by Sara Stearns

I wake in a body made of borrowed air—
lungs breathing someone else’s rhythm,
a pulse that sounds rehearsed.
Even the mirror refuses to know me,
it blinks, but I do not move.
The world is still happening—
flowers burning with color,
laughter spilling from open mouths,
time unwinding like silk.
But I stand outside it all,
a ghost in a glass garden,
watching the light pass through me.
My mind floats three feet above my life,
a balloon cut loose from the child.
It watches this body
cook, walk, speak in practiced syllables—
and wonders how the mouth can smile
while the soul stays motionless.
People reach for me,
but I am a flicker in their hands—
a photograph that won’t stay focused,
a warmth that cools too fast.
I speak, but the words fall sideways,their meanings half-asleep.
Friendship becomes a country
I’ve forgotten the language of,
and every bridge I build collapses
under the weight of distance I can’t name.
There is no violence here,
just the quiet cruelty of endurance—
to be alive enough to ache,
but too hollow to feel the living.
Still, I collect the small miracles:
the hum of rain on windows,
the tremor of dawn through curtains,
the soft defiance of still being here.
I think that must count for something—
to keep breathing
in the absence of belonging,
to bloom, even faintly,
in the dirt between life and death.

Author’s Note: This poem is the quiet anatomy of despair—how the mind can drift
from the body and still pretend to live. It is not about dying, but about the strange
half-life that comes after you’ve forgotten how to feel. There’s a fragile kind of
beauty in survival, even when it tastes like absence.

by Sara
My so called life

Losing Mom

I have been away from my website for quite awhile. School has kept me very busy and my mom declined rapidly in the last 6 months. And 2 months ago she developed pneumonia and sepsis. Both caused a chain of events that were too much for her. And a month ago she died.

It has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced in my life and I have been through some things in my life that were pretty bad. Now I am taking care of my Dad. And I have taken on power of attorney for his best friend in the event he is no longer capable of making his medical decisions. So I am bracing myself for another loss. I was really sick when my mom was dying and it took me over a month to get well again.

My body seems to have its own agenda and I am trying to fight with it. I know that nobody visits my page but I still felt like writing about recent events.

by Sara
College Life, My so called life

Redemption

Personal redemption…what is it to you, and how will it help you move on with your life? I have been thinking about this for some time. After all the abuse that goes back to my teenage years until 8 years ago and how much it caused a disconnect. I have been trying to find myself through all of this, and it has probably been the most challenging thing to do. I have tried to erase painful memories from my mind thinking that was the healthiest way to fix me. But that’s definitely not the best way. Then I met someone who has been so loving, patient, and supportive. That has been a comfort throughout this journey. But I decided to return and get my associate’s degree, and I felt incredible and inspired. So I kept going on to my bachelor’s degree, and now I’m about 6 months away from graduating, and the feeling is incredible to me. So I decided to look up options for my master’s degree and found I can do a direct entry for nursing. And I knew then that I could finish school in 2 years, and I would meet my goals. Then I can help other women, which I have always wanted to do. Recently, I stumbled upon an opportunity to volunteer to help others when I can. It seems so serendipitous that I started to find my way simultaneously. I have always wanted to make a difference and help others.

by Sara
College Life, My so called life, Not Articles

Choices

I have not changed or added any relevant content for some time. I had to make some choices and chain my education, which made me unhappy. Because I have worked hard to have as much peace in my life after everything I have been through, I had to drop my intended major so others would be happy. I can still do law school, but it will be put last. I just went back to the health science major I originally began with. I have been trying to care for so much on my own for about 25 years. I assumed responsibility when others just decided they would not help. So, eventually, I will get to have a life. It’s usually the daughter that takes care of things and takes on the stress and responsibility of caring for sick family members.

by Sara
Not Articles

When You Came Into my Life

When you came into my life, I was alone—
Not just in the quiet, but deep in my bones.
I had locked my heart behind silent doors,
tired of watching love walk in
only to walk out again, leaving wreckage.

I didn’t make it easy to get close.
I was all sharp edges, quiet withdrawal,
a soul hiding behind its own walls.
My heart had been broken too many times
to offer it freely again.

But you—
you never asked me to be perfect.
You just stayed.
You came in gently,
like love wasn’t something to win,
but something to hold carefully.

You saw the mess in me,
and didn’t flinch.
You traced every scar with kindness,
every silence with understanding.
You made space for my fear,
and answered it with patience.

You kissed the hurt without asking it to leave.
You loved me without rushing me to heal.
And somehow,
with every look, every touch,
you started to stitch something back together.

Now, piece by piece, I let you in.
And I don’t feel afraid anymore.
Because when you came into my life,
you didn’t just bring love—
you brought safety.
You brought peace.
You brought me back to myself.

by Sara
College Life, My so called life, Not Articles

Staying Afloat… And Other Things on My Mind…

I know this is not a new article yet, but I am taking two extra classes and have almost finished one of the classes in a week. Plus, I am working on my Anthropology class work. Exhausted doesn’t even begin to describe what I am feeling right now. I am trying to finish my bachelor’s degree as quickly as possible, and it’s a lot of work. Plus, I am trying to help my parents with things as best as possible. But I am just one person, and it is challenging to care for anyone with stage 4 cancer. Especially when you have another parent who is disabled. I don’t have help from anyone else, either. I should, but I don’t know if you understand what I am saying. But sometimes it doesn’t work the way you need it to. Sometimes, others’ perceptions of reality differ from what they were and were long ago. I have no hate towards anyone. I’m too tired for that type of thing. I just let go of everything and walked away from a lot. I have given others a second chance because they were such a massive part of my life that I felt a hole in my heart without them around.

I think once my mom’s cancer spread I started to look at things and life a lot differently. I became a little bit more forgiving about some things but I became more depressed too. I realized that I had to rescue her because Dad couldn’t do it like before and nobody was lining up for the job. My mom has tried to help others out but the favor wasn’t returned. I became more protective of her. I became that way over someone else, too. But I tried to say something to protect them, and I was in the wrong. I was shunned, and I was always there for them. I decided to no longer protect them and walk away. I have been in a romantic relationship where I built him back up, and he repaid me by cheating and being abusive. I am in a relationship now that isn’t ideal. I hope for some changes because I can’t stay in a long-distance relationship much longer…

by Sara
College Life, Not Articles

Busy Lately

For anyone who has been to the site lately, you may have noticed that I have not put out anything new. I am taking four classes right now. I am almost done with one of those classes, but I have been doing nothing but schoolwork, and today, I had to take a break. I have been thinking about what I want to do for new content here. So please check back in, and I will put a form to subscribe to updates here, too.

by Sara
Health

The Silent Struggle: How Gender Inequality in Healthcare Hurts Women

“It’s All in Your Head”: The Dismissal of Women’s Symptoms

Many women have left doctor’s offices feeling unheard or brushed off. This isn’t just personal experience—it’s backed by research. Women are significantly more likely to have their symptoms dismissed as emotional or psychological, especially in cases of chronic or unexplained pain.

A study published in the Journal of Law, Medicine & Ethics found that medical professionals often psychologize women’s symptoms, leading to missed or delayed diagnoses (Samulowitz et al., 2018). This kind of bias has serious consequences, particularly in emergency settings where every minute matters.

The 8-Year Diagnosis: Living with Undiagnosed Endometriosis

Endometriosis affects approximately 10% of women globally, yet it takes an average of 8 years to receive a proper diagnosis. Why such a long delay? Many women are told their symptoms—severe cramps, fatigue, nausea—are simply part of a “normal” period.

But they’re not. The real problem is systemic: medical training has long focused on male biology, leaving women’s health conditions under-researched and underdiagnosed (Criado Perez, 2019). As a result, millions of women live in pain without answers or adequate care.

The Heart Attack That Goes Unnoticed

Heart disease is the number one killer of women. Yet female patients often don’t receive the same care as men during cardiac emergencies. One reason? Their symptoms don’t always match the “classic” male profile.

Instead of sharp chest pain, women may experience shortness of breath, nausea, back pain, or fatigue. A study in Circulation showed that women are less likely to receive timely treatment and interventions like bypass surgery or angioplasty—even when presenting with the same heart attack indicators as men (Mehta et al., 2016).

Medicine Built on Male Bodies

Historically, women were excluded from clinical trials due to concerns about hormonal cycles or potential pregnancy. The result? Decades of medical data based on male physiology.

This research gap continues today. A study in Pharmacy Practice emphasized how drug dosages and effects often aren’t tailored to women, despite known differences in metabolism and side effects (Liu & Dipietro Mager, 2016). One alarming example: the dosage of the sleep aid zolpidem (Ambien) had to be cut in half for women—after it was already widely prescribed.

Where Do We Go from Here?

Fixing gender inequality in healthcare requires more than awareness—it demands action. This includes:

Training healthcare providers to recognize and counter gender bias.

Conducting inclusive research that centers women’s experiences.

Empowering patients to speak up and advocate for their health.

Most importantly, we need to stop normalizing women’s suffering as just “part of life.” Pain is not a personality trait. It’s a signal—and it deserves to be heard.

References

Criado Perez, C. (2019). Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men. Abrams Press.

Liu, K. A., & Dipietro Mager, N. A. (2016). Women’s involvement in clinical trials: Historical perspective and future implications. Pharmacy Practice, 14(1), 708. https://doi.org/10.18549/PharmPract.2016.01.708

Mehta, L. S., Beckie, T. M., DeVon, H. A., Grines, C. L., Krumholz, H. M., Johnson, M. N., … & Wenger, N. K. (2016). Acute myocardial infarction in women: A scientific statement from the American Heart Association. Circulation, 133(9), 916–947. https://doi.org/10.1161/CIR.0000000000000351

Samulowitz, A., Gremyr, I., Eriksson, E., & Hensing, G. (2018). “Brave Men” and “Emotional Women”: A theory-guided literature review on gender bias in health care and gendered norms towards patients with chronic pain. Journal of Law, Medicine & Ethics, 46(2), 387–399. https://doi.org/10.1177/1073110518782947

by Sara
Health

Advocacy for Change

What You Don’t See: The Hidden Struggle of Mothers and Caregivers with Chronic Illness

Imagine waking up every day already exhausted, your body aching before your feet even hit the floor. Now add a toddler asking for breakfast, a school form that needs signing, a parent who needs care, or a full workday ahead of you. For many women living with chronic illnesses like fibromyalgia or lupus, this isn’t hypothetical. It’s reality. Daily. Relentlessly.

These women are caregivers. Mothers. Often the glue holding families together. And yet, they’re also silently managing bodies that betray them—through unpredictable pain, overwhelming fatigue, and an invisible weight that no one else can see.

The Myth of “You Don’t Look Sick”

One of the most damaging misconceptions about chronic illness is that if you don’t look sick, you must not be sick. But autoimmune diseases don’t come with visible bandages or casts. These women may smile through school drop-offs and show up to family functions, but what you don’t see is the energy crash that follows. You don’t see the hours spent lying down afterward, the medication regimen carefully followed just to function, or the mental gymnastics of pretending everything is “fine.”

Caregiver, Parent, Patient—And Still Expected to Do It All

There’s a cruel irony in being both a caregiver and someone who desperately needs care. Many women are supporting others emotionally, physically, and financially while managing symptoms that would sideline most people. And because they’re often the ones doing the nurturing, it’s easy for their own needs to be overlooked—by loved ones, employers, and even doctors.

When society expects women to be endlessly selfless, illness can feel like failure. Missed field trips. Canceled plans. Microwave dinners—again. These moments add up to guilt, and guilt feeds the quiet companion of chronic illness: depression.

This Is a Public Health Issue

This isn’t just a personal struggle—it’s a systemic one. Women with chronic illness are underdiagnosed, under-supported, and often dismissed. Their pain is minimized, their fatigue mistaken for laziness, their mental health struggles seen as weakness instead of the direct result of constant, unmanaged suffering.

What they need isn’t pity—it’s validation. Understanding. Access to care that takes both their physical and emotional needs seriously. Flexible work policies. Community support. A break.

What You Can Do

Start by believing women when they say they’re in pain. Offer help without waiting to be asked. Advocate for better chronic illness education in healthcare and more inclusive family leave policies. And most importantly, don’t expect a woman to carry the world on her shoulders when she’s already carrying pain in her bones.

To Every Woman Living This Life: You Matter

You are not invisible. You are not dramatic. You are not failing. You are fighting a battle every single day—and still showing up for the people who need you. That makes you strong beyond words.

And if all you did today was survive, that is more than enough.

Resources for Support and Advocacy

by Sara
Not Articles

Expect the Weird

Over time, I have learned to expect the weird when speaking of chronic illness. And this is one of those times. There’s no way to really explain why your body does whatever it wants because it just does it. And at a very inconvenient time, too. Yesterday, I started a new term, and a couple of days before it, my left leg and foot randomly swelled up quite significantly.

And I have not felt well despite the swelling. But I still have a degree to obtain swelling or not. Getting to stay off my leg and foot until I see my doctor has been tricky. Boundaries when you have a chronic illness are essential. Knowing that it’s okay to say no and not feel guilty for saying so. Especially when it’s for something that is not even important. That sounds harsh, but some things are not worth making yourself feel more ill.

by Sara