I have not changed or added any relevant content for some time. I had to make some choices and chain my education, which made me unhappy. Because I have worked hard to have as much peace in my life after everything I have been through, I had to drop my intended major so others would be happy. I can still do law school, but it will be put last. I just went back to the health science major I originally began with. I have been trying to care for so much on my own for about 25 years. I assumed responsibility when others just decided they would not help. So, eventually, I will get to have a life. It’s usually the daughter that takes care of things and takes on the stress and responsibility of caring for sick family members.
When you came into my life, I was alone—
Not just in the quiet, but deep in my bones.
I had locked my heart behind silent doors,
tired of watching love walk in
only to walk out again, leaving wreckage.
I didn’t make it easy to get close.
I was all sharp edges, quiet withdrawal,
a soul hiding behind its own walls.
My heart had been broken too many times
to offer it freely again.
But you—
you never asked me to be perfect.
You just stayed.
You came in gently,
like love wasn’t something to win,
but something to hold carefully.
You saw the mess in me,
and didn’t flinch.
You traced every scar with kindness,
every silence with understanding.
You made space for my fear,
and answered it with patience.
You kissed the hurt without asking it to leave.
You loved me without rushing me to heal.
And somehow,
with every look, every touch,
you started to stitch something back together.
Now, piece by piece, I let you in.
And I don’t feel afraid anymore.
Because when you came into my life,
you didn’t just bring love—
you brought safety.
You brought peace.
You brought me back to myself.
I know this is not a new article yet, but I am taking two extra classes and have almost finished one of the classes in a week. Plus, I am working on my Anthropology class work. Exhausted doesn’t even begin to describe what I am feeling right now. I am trying to finish my bachelor’s degree as quickly as possible, and it’s a lot of work. Plus, I am trying to help my parents with things as best as possible. But I am just one person, and it is challenging to care for anyone with stage 4 cancer. Especially when you have another parent who is disabled. I don’t have help from anyone else, either. I should, but I don’t know if you understand what I am saying. But sometimes it doesn’t work the way you need it to. Sometimes, others’ perceptions of reality differ from what they were and were long ago. I have no hate towards anyone. I’m too tired for that type of thing. I just let go of everything and walked away from a lot. I have given others a second chance because they were such a massive part of my life that I felt a hole in my heart without them around.
I think once my mom’s cancer spread I started to look at things and life a lot differently. I became a little bit more forgiving about some things but I became more depressed too. I realized that I had to rescue her because Dad couldn’t do it like before and nobody was lining up for the job. My mom has tried to help others out but the favor wasn’t returned. I became more protective of her. I became that way over someone else, too. But I tried to say something to protect them, and I was in the wrong. I was shunned, and I was always there for them. I decided to no longer protect them and walk away. I have been in a romantic relationship where I built him back up, and he repaid me by cheating and being abusive. I am in a relationship now that isn’t ideal. I hope for some changes because I can’t stay in a long-distance relationship much longer…
For anyone who has been to the site lately, you may have noticed that I have not put out anything new. I am taking four classes right now. I am almost done with one of those classes, but I have been doing nothing but schoolwork, and today, I had to take a break. I have been thinking about what I want to do for new content here. So please check back in, and I will put a form to subscribe to updates here, too.
Over time, I have learned to expect the weird when speaking of chronic illness. And this is one of those times. There’s no way to really explain why your body does whatever it wants because it just does it. And at a very inconvenient time, too. Yesterday, I started a new term, and a couple of days before it, my left leg and foot randomly swelled up quite significantly.
And I have not felt well despite the swelling. But I still have a degree to obtain swelling or not. Getting to stay off my leg and foot until I see my doctor has been tricky. Boundaries when you have a chronic illness are essential. Knowing that it’s okay to say no and not feel guilty for saying so. Especially when it’s for something that is not even important. That sounds harsh, but some things are not worth making yourself feel more ill.
With any chronic illness there’s challenges. There’s relationship challenges because the other person doesn’t always understand what you are feeling or going through. Those are exhausting challenges. I think I stayed alone by choice for 5 years because of my health and I wanted to be alone. Now I am almost done with my bachelor’s degree and I want to go on to the law part of school. With my limitations having a solid foundation is important to me. School is extremely challenging especially when you are in your 40s. I don’t know how many times I have thought to myself that I should have done all of this at once when I was younger. I have 3 degrees already but it took me 12 years to get my last two done.
I have two terms left,, and I will have my bachelor’s degree in Public Health. I never thought I would be able to do this. The classes are challenging, and I have refused to give up, though I have been encouraged to do so. But I am far from done with school. My next step is to get my Juris Doctor, which takes 3 years. I go full-time, and I have to pass the bar. Yikes!! However, a public health degree is hard, so I think I can do it, too. I want to help women and domestic violence and other things. I want to be able to do something good in this world. I would love to open a nonprofit one day for women who need a safe place to go when they are in danger from a spouse or partner. Keeping them safe and helping them get out of alone would be great. Soon the next chapter is going to begin in my life…
For some people who read this they already know everything about me. So this post may be a bit boring. Something might be a little surprising. One thing I never discuss is David. He is off limits because I am selective on who I share my really personal life with. So don’t expect that on here. Anyway, I am coming up on the end of another exciting term. I have compiled one of my final projects. I had gotten one assignment behind in each class which I try not to let myself do. My advisor reached out to both of my advisors. And in my personal life I am very open about my health but in other areas I am private about it. I shared information with my advisor and I didn’t expect her to share it with my professors because I didn’t share it with them. So I got an extension for both assignments. University policy is a 10% reduction in grade on the assignment. But I received no deduction on one of those assignments. I couldn’t help but wonder why. She did the opposite of policy. I know my paper wasn’t that riveting lol. But I am not going to question her and take the A. Getting my bachelor’s in public health is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. I take the little victories when and where I can.
I have finished the site for now. From here I will build it up as time allows. I have two final term papers to write by next week for my public health classes. I have to put them together and finish my research on both of them to make them more sound. I have yet to do this so I am going to bed and going to start on at least one of those in the morning. Well later in the morning. It’s almost 2 am now.
This is my first post at my newly opened blog. I typically post on social media regularly about my daily life. But I have chose to move to a different area because I plan on doing a lot of things away from social media upon graduation from college. For those who don’t know much about me I will be telling you more about what I have been doing in college and what I hope to do. For now things will look a little bare but I will add things as time allows. I’m almost at the end of my junior year and I graduate in the winter. It is hell with papers for classes.